AmberXXX

Today would have marked out 6 months, usually i would be calling you out of excitement and you would be like ‘oh really?’ I would usually be baking you something special and bringing it to your house as well… But you decided to change everything and break my heart last month… I still think about you everyday and I still get really sad because we could have been the perfect couple if you ever gave me a chance.. I am sick again…. I miss when i would just die of sickness in your bed and you would rub my back and hope i got better. I miss when you were sick i would make you soup and bring it to your house. No one makes me soup..and no one ever comes to my house. I hate being without you, even though you were probably so wrong for me I thought you were the most perfect person in the world. I miss everything we were. If i had one wish I would wish for you.

IF I were the phycho you think I am, I would tell the world about you and post all the txt messages/emails youve sent me over the past while…you sound pretty crazy always defending and contradicting yourself..its okay some people have a compulsive lying disorder and im not one of them. Whatever happened to your house last night I had nothing to do with and ill stick to that story till I die. Seriously? Who throws bacon and eggs at peoples house’s? Two things I hate…you seriously must have pissed someone off because it wasnt me or any of my friends but you can go crazy on me and talk shit to your ‘better’ friends..it just doesnt help your case on how much you cared about me and trusted me.. If i was one of the only close people to you and you were the closest to me..you would believe me when i tell you. Either way thanks for deleting me. Thats awesome too, do they have a delete button for memories? Id like to get rid of you as well. “I know you thought we were ment to be” yeah get over yourself!

You know that feeling you get in your gut when youre trying so hard to get over someone/something and you just cant do it? I feel this everyday..it feels like getting kicked in the stomach till you feel it in your throat. Not a good feeling.. I wish it would go away…I wish I knew what could make it go away, but so far my only idea is having you back. You know what feels almost as bad as rejection? When youre trying to get over someone and they go out of there way to still be in your life.. An email, text or a FACEBOOK message….. FRIEND… Being called friend by you is just another kick in the face. The point of this is…if youre not gonna let me get over you then dont ignore the situation aka my reply. There is something there or else you wouldnt be contacting me.. Realize it before its TOO LATE.

So on Tuesday I went and spent the day with my girl Natalie… Pretty sure we spent half the day on the ttc to Scarberia to get paid. We then went to eat at Utopia because its the best restaurant ever. THEN we went to the movies First up we went to see No Strings Attached .. Who doesnt love a chick flick? Who doesnt love the fine giant that is Ashton Kutcher? And then Natalie Portman of course..best female actress ever. So Were watching and its got some funny one liners and some really cute stuff then I choked because it got all serious …it was like a play by play of us…you being Natalie Portman and me being Ashton Kutcher…it was pretty much everything that happened with us cept I would never agree to be ‘sex friends’ because that never works out…and if I knew in the beginning…we would have never met and I would still have a heart. All in all the movie was great but I felt super sick after.. Its like if you watch 500 days of summer (you being summer of course) and mix it with no strings attached.. Add a couple strippers.. Thats US.. Oh and a bunch of lies. The ending was so hollywood of course… Mine ..not so much. I DREAM of the day you call me and tell me you were wrong. Not going to happen because youre selfish and move on to the next one like no big deal. So i was feeling really shitty after that movie and wanted to cry everywhere so the only thing to cheer me up is alotta killing and that fyne ass Jason Statham. Dayummmmmmm son. We saw The Mechanic.. And let me just tell you the trailer for this looked like the biggest joke of all time.. But since he was in it i HAD to see it. The movie was very graphic very fast action. Few surprises here and there and then BAM!! my man does it again. I dont wanna give the movie away so go watch it! To better the movie…he could have been shirtless more than once THANK YOU

I find myself less sad these days but more angry, ill be having a good conversation then a cloud will pop up in my mind and remind me of him then ill just start screaming and raging out with anger, just like straight up man hating! Its so unnecessary..actually its not..I have all the right in the world to be like this. I JUST KEEP YELLING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Why do men have to act like boys? Why is it SO FUCKING HARD to be with ONE person? Why are the good ones never good enough? Why is it when they hurt you…it doesnt really hurt them? I have so many questions i wish i could get an answer for but itll never happen. I wish i could be perfect…every damn day i still think of you, i still think of us, I still think you made the wrong decision, and I still wish I were good enough. Lately ive been reminded of you because all the hype about some of your work, music videos… They are so beautiful, you are talented I must say..but you already knew that. I feel like one week out of your life Ive missed so much, it was rare to spend more than 3 days apart.. But then it went on to two weeks apart and I feel like I dont even know you anymore… You dont pop up on my fb feed anymore like you used to, but maybe you do and I just dont notice… You are slowely dissappearing from my life and its sad. I never noticed how much time I had on my hands till you were gone, my horoscopes arent positive anymore, they used to tell me we were going to be alright…they then told me you were leaving too. We live in a mad world… I still keep telling myself it will be okay. When I learn to sleep without you is when it will be okay.

TRUTH

Sometimes my blog is the only thing I can talk to, I have many readers (thank you) but I write in here for myself… the past couple weeks ive litterally lost my marbles, ive been going INSANE, to the point where I wanna fight people -insert girl in bar wearing pajamas- i scream, i throw things, i cry all day all night…in public at home, I rip my hair out, I scratch my face till it bleeds, I dont sleep, I lay here watching playbacks in my head until its time to cry again. I seriously promised myself I will not to this to myself anymore, I am moving on, but it is so hard.. All i think of is ‘why me?’ i havent even done shitty things in my life really so what is this pay back for? I constantly picture him with different girls every single day, if hes with them or not.. What do they have that I dont? Why cant I be them? This is how crazy i turned!!! I was never a jealous person because i knew i was amazing.. I now find myself jealous everytime he talks to a girl, single, married, slut…i hate them all…this is what ive turned into? Now that i feel like im nothing im trying to build my confidence and self respect back. But how long does it take to get your whole life back to normal and on track? Most people say a year… A year is a long time. I look at pictures from the summer.. At the beach, the pool, park, picnics, filming unnatural history with my best friends…i was so happy not a care in the world.. Litterally two weeks later i met him and my whole entire life changed..i wouldnt listen to anyone when they said ive changed because i thought they were crazy. I now see the change and i am sorry. I promise to be a better person, to respect myself and others heres to a new life! Just give me time.

I think ive finally come to the closure ive been looking for after much needed therapy, friends family and my followers of the internet world. I THANK YOU! for being here when I need you.. For almost half a year I picked myself apart trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why am I not good enough, what am I doing wrong, is it because im not as smart as him?, is it because I dont like reading subtitles?, is it because I dont have as much education? Is it because he has more money and success? Nope its none of that, I believe I am a good person, Im smart in my own ways, loving, caring even when its not returned, I always have your back even if you dont have mine, I have talent, Im fun, adventurous and sometimes I know how to look good. I will not let him bring me down anymore, I will not be mad when I spill my heart out and he ignores the situation (everytime) sometimes people cant handle real so they run away, you can say ‘fuck you’ to me a million times again and its gonna bounce off me and come back to you My answers of ‘WHY’ have been answered! You think we have nothing in common and little to talk about, i will take that answer so that I dont have to hurt anymore.. But seriously take my advice and stop lying to yourself and the ones that love you. Its been a crazy 5 months of talking to a wall and having nothing in common with it I guess - Munipulation - love - lies - I now believe love is two ways not just one. I guess it is just lust and obsession. I never felt this way towards someone ever and I just thought for sure this had to be love but how can you love someone you cant trust? I will never choose a guy over my friends again, because a guy will break your heart and not care, a friend will always be there. I AM truely sorry to all my friends ive negected for the past while, I should have listened to everyone of you guys from the start. Bad news is bad news. If you will not meet my friends then we have a problem because even though there is so few that i concider actual friends, they are the most amazing, fun, real people you will never know. Hello new 2011 Life is too short to be sad. I will find my prince someday, would much rather my McLovin..or someone in L.A .. (would much rather the real McLovin) haha ;) I just dont know whats in stores for you… But uh…goodluck?

A friend once told me the best way to get over someone is to delete them out of your life…phone,facebook,block, delete all pics, throw away everything they gave you and anything that reminds you of them… This is hard. What if i dont want to be over them? Then what? i cant actually throw out EVERYTHING that reminds me of him because then id be burning down buildings and digging up side walks, shooting at cabs, NEVER EATING SUSHI AGAIN!? That sounds like a nightmare!!! What i need in my life is a memory eraser or a magic lamp -which also reminds me of an arguement we once had..magic lamp magic lantern…i won- With my magic lamp i would wish everything could be normal again or for him to let go of all the bad he locks up inside of him and feel love again… I know its sad but i always wish that we could still see eachother like we used to…because i would rather be used than be without him All I have left is this stupid picture of him on my phone that i just cant let go of….

I remember when we first met I told everyone perfection does exsist, I said seriously dont give up on love if i could find someone as amazing as him, anyone could. I kept telling myself keep it cool I cant screw this up, its my only chance… You went to chicago and i would stay up till 5 am everyday hoping you would write me…and finally you DID and i screamed and woke my friend up who was beside me and said ‘OMG HE SENT ME A MESSAGE!!!’ But then I guess I managed to screw up, baaaad. You know when you meet someone for the first time you try to look your best, act your best, be your best…. I did that everytime because it never got old for me, some relationships people get so comfortable they let themselfs go…where they think they dont have to look good, smell good etc.. That was never me. I treated everyday like its a first date.. Always so excited..never knew what to wear, always wanted you to think I looked cute..but things started dying down, you stopped caring, i wasnt a turn on anymore.. And we were just comfortable with eachother… You got bored and then got rid of me…. I still think about you everyday, you have the cutest face ive ever seen…i day dream about cuddling with you and feeling safe… But at the end of the day…its just a dream. I could never be sorry enough.